It's week 2! Yee-haw! We're getting right into this All-Star season, aren't we? This episode we get Ty-overs, drama and a gross hotdog photo shoot. Allez-y!!
Before I get to the recap, I realize that I forgot to mention last week that I saw the actual biggest All-Star from ANTM...in terms of actual success, I mean. I went to a TIFF screening of the new Whit Stillman movie, Damsels in Distress, and saw Analeigh Tipton (from cycle 11) on my way in and my way out. The film was really funny and the acting by Greta Gerwig and the rest of the cast was excellent. Still...there were a few moments where I totally caught Analeigh (or "Lily" as her character is called) wicked smizing at the camera. I'm sure Analeigh is going to be in lots more films, but I really hope for her sake that she can find an acting coach to de-program the ANTM out of her. No more smizing, Analeigh!
And now...the recap.
What did we learn about Tyra this week?
Tyra shows up for 10 seconds early on in the episode and introduces us to Martin Lindstrom...her brand strategist. Oh lawd.
Tyra tells the girls that Martin is harsh but he gets results. Tyra, in my humble opinion your "brand" is one of the worst out there. Your idioms and Tyra-isms are dreadful, you are the opposite of sincere, no one on planet earth is more arrogant...how much are you paying this Martin Lindstrom fellow? You should try and get your money back and let someone else try to save your brand.
Tyra had them make a new intro! Horrible. It looks like they hired some high school kid who is obsessed with Floria Sigismondi to make it. Tyra makes sure he includes an unnecessary shot of her slapping her own butt. The girls are smearing what I think is frosting (but what looks like meat) all over the place. Barf.
Tyra is continuing to dress like one of the Newsies this season with her ugly ties and suspenders. If you live in Toronto and wake up early for work like me, you'll totally agree that Tyra is dressing like Kevin Frankish this cycle. "Traffic and weather together on the ones! Now lets check in with Frankie Flowers".
During deliberations, Tyra decides to give Nigel Barker a Ty-over and shaves off some of his hair. Nigel, you put out a book last year and you have charity work...lots of stuff going on...why the fuck do you put up with Tyra's antics? You know that ALT doesn't put up with as much. It may be okay for the Jays, but sweetheart...what does Tyra have on you? Is it bad? Get the authorities involved if you can and get away!
Did anything else happen this week?
After clips of the girls pretending to be excited about the prizes, we get sound bites about elimination and how no one is too sad Brittany is gone. Sheena then starts telling us about how much she wants to win. Uh oh. I like Sheena so I'm worried for her.
Tyra's brand guru Martin is there to assign each girl a word that summarizes what their ANTM brand is.
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| "Your brand...granola bar" |
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| "Your brand word is bonnet. Where is your bonnet?" |
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| "Sorry, but your brand is piss diaper" |
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| "Your brand word is, ummm..." |
The brand word I would assign Martin is "Sprockets" on account of his black turtleneck and Euro-accent (Swedish, not German, but still). In case that old timey-SNL reference is lost on you, my backup brand word for Martin is rude. He asks each girl questions like, "Do people trust you?" and when they say yes, he quickly responds with a "No". He tells Kayla that being a lesbian is so five years ago. For serious. It becomes apparent pretty quick that this one-word brand nonsense is a clever way for the producers to get rid of some of the girls who aren't as exciting as the others. Why else would they give ambiguous and conceptual words like "free" and "unexpected" to some girls, and then give the rest much easier words to work with?
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| "Sorry that lesbianism is out of style. I'm a single man. Wanna go for dinner with me at Ikea?" |
When Martin told Angelea she is like "cheap shoes", I was really hoping she'd go a little Cheektowaga on him and set him straight. "Hey Sprockets, just because there are some very fine bargains at the DSW at the Walden Galleria, doesn't mean I'm all up in that. Don't get it twisted." Angelea's word is persistence, which I hope means that Tyra will keep her around for awhile. She and Isis are my two faves right now.
Martin tells Alexandria that her fans think she's annoying and that there's no value in what she's saying. That would be really hard to hear, and Alexandria takes it surprisingly well. It wouldn't shock me to learn that most of her silly soundbites from last season are the result of being prodded for hours by producers looking to portray her as that cycle's cray-cray lady. Buck up, Alexandria. I don't think you're annoying. Especially compared to this:
There is some fake drama with Bianca, Camille and Dominique which is too dumb to spend much time discussing. Mr. Jay! Miss J! Ashlee Simpson? Ashlee is apparently there to oversee the Ty-overs for the contestants. Wouldn't that make them Simp-overs? Nose jobs for everyone!!! Anyways, Tyra is too lazy to even dream up make-overs for the contestants this cycle. It must not fit with her brand.
Bianca gives Isis a lesson about the difference between weaves and extentions: "Weave is like the ghetto word. You're supposed to say extentions. Weave just sounds tacky...weave is tacky, and you are tacky so you are weave. I am extentions."
Miss J tells Sheena that she will be getting her hair chopped off...and then lets her know he's kidding. Because her word is unexpected, she is supposed to expect the unexpected and...her look stays exactly the same. Lisa wants to keep her hair long because she's getting married in 2 months. Of course they chop it off and Mr Jay gives her shit when she speaks up about it. If you had told me to cut my hair 2 months before my wedding, I probably would have stabbed you. Don't fuck with the bride-to-be! Lisa accepts the change and her haircut does look really good.
Isis and Dominique do pretty great impressions of Alexandria getting her hair chopped off. She screams in happiness, and it seems fake, fake, fake. She even cries later on because she says she's so happy about how she looks.
Bre has a meltdown in the bathroom about them chopping off her hair. They show Bianca being sweet with her later in the episode, trying to cheer her up about her hair. I hope they continue to show more of Bre and Bianca's friendship this cycle. It's one of the only things on this cycle that seems genuine.
The Jays show up with Pinks chili dogs and try to sell them to the girls as being classy. The girls will be creating a hot dog and then shooting with the dog while keeping their brand word in mind. The idea for this shoot is one of the worst in ANTM history. It's just gross. I'm not even going to recap it. Just look at these pics:
Panel! Ashley Simpson is the guest judge. I hate her styling: she's wearing a black turtleneck with a heart cut-out over the boobs and too much makeup and jewellery. Her styling reminds me of Kelly Taylor's mom on BH 90210 when she was doing coke at the school fashion show.
On to the photos...the judges love Dominique's photo even though she looks like she's smelling her guacamole-covered fingers. Bianca gets lots of love for her photo. Shannon looks lovely. Ashlee thinks that Camille is doing a joke pose and ALT thinks Camille is too pageant. Nigel goes on and on about how "lustable" Laura's photo is. I now suspect that Tyra brought in the iPad this cycle so that Nigel wouldn't sneak any of the photos into the bathroom with him. ALT loves the Wanda Sue-creation that Laura is wearing, and Tyra loves the Isis-creation that Isis is wearing. Isis' photo on the other hand...Nigel thinks it's slightly dirty. ALT's quote: "Standing here you're fabulous. Here [gestures to photo], I don't want to know you, I don't want to see you, I would be ruuuuuuuuuning for the car." Ouch. Tyra of course loves the photo.
Kayla does not look "free" enough eating her hotdog. Tyra cautions Allison not to go too cute in her photos. Alexandria looks more sweet than tough in her picture, but the judges love her photo and haircut. Sheena is not unexpected enough eating her hotdog. Ashlee wishes she were holding up her dress or something. ALT thinks Angelea looks like Niki Taylor, Sophia Loren and Melania Trump. Everyone loves Lisa's interpretation of daring...which is chewing her hot dog up and showing the chewed food to the camera. Daring? I guess. Gross? Yes. The best is that ALT thinks this looks like Sarah Jessica Parker in Sex and the City. SJP must have stood up ALT and AW at their Tuesday night supper club at Daniel for him to say something so mean.
ALT and Tyra love Bre's new look, but think she looks sad. Tyra wonders where Bre's energy went and Bre reminds them that she is no longer 19, and is more reserved at 25. This sets Ashlee off as she is 26 and does not want to be mature or reserved thank you very much. Tyra does some mess of an impression, and all judges agree her photo is fine but needs more sparkle.
Photos in Tyra's Hands! Lisa is called first and her regurgitated hot dog will be shown all over the internets on the Pinks hotdog website. Bottom 2 this week are Kayla & Sheena, and Sheena gets the boot. Sadly, the elimination of the contestant whose brand word was "unexpected" was not unexpected at all. Chin up, Sheena! You are awesome. I hope you get to host a reality competition show soon, perhaps one that will beat ANTM in the ratings and get it cancelled. Bye Sheena!
Next week: Mario Lopez! Dancing on stilts! In pairs! What?
See you next week!
XOXO,
Emily
Lisa and Bianca get to pick teams, because they've had the top 2 photos last week. Team 1 is Lisa, Alexandria, Angelea, Dominique, Isis and Laura; Team 2 is Bianca, Bre, Allison, Camille, Kayla and Shannon. The twist is that the girls on the winning team are all safe from elimination. What? I don't think they've ever done that before on ANTM. I guess they are getting ideas from shows like Biggest Loser now? Next they'll make the girls do a photo shoot where they're doing this:
